I’ve been tasked with writing about three things that I’m going through but winning. It would be reasonable if there weren’t things already going on……
Here’s a sample of my life, a life after prison that requires me to tap into my soul, the place where my strength lies.
Still dealing with probation; still dealing with unemployment; dealing with immigration.
The things that have made me literally ball up in the fetal position in my closet and cry out to GOD asking why me, screaming in whatever balled up shirt, skirt, or towel I can grab at said moment.
Let me start from the bottom, which is where I am anyway so it’s not too far to reach:
Immigration: When I was sentenced to prison, I had to go to immigration court to prove my citizenship to decide whether or not to deport me when my sentence was up. I was declared a citizen. Fast forward to my release, I had no valid identification. I had to refile for everything: birth certificate, Social Security card, drivers’ license, citizenship card, passport, etc.
The latter two are a bane.
In applying for my citizenship card, I have appealed to the Department of Homeland Security to issue me proof of my citizenship. The thing is, they don’t issue citizenship cards to people who are citizens. Which is fine because I understand that concept. However, every year since I have been released, Atlanta Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), have apprehended me claiming that due to the fact that I am NOT a citizen, I will be deported.
Yeah, a shocker for me too.
I have shown them the paperwork stating that I AM a citizen but unfortunately, my immigration lawyer has to issue them the paperwork over lunch (or dinner). She gets the job done. It’s just a hefty price to pay to fax a piece of paper repeatedly.
Which brings me to unemployment. Seeing as I am a convicted felon, it really is hard to find an employ that isn’t construction or fast food. Both of which I have completely no experience in. I do, however, have skills in the IT field, administrative field, General Office, etc. That sort of thing. The sort of thing that isn’t useful when looking for a job and employers are looking at your background BEFORE they even extend an interview.
The upside to that is that I’m able to go to school, which is a Godsend. I’m able to keep myself educated and up on current events for my classes and to be around people who won’t judge me based on a Google Search.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop the utility bills from arriving nor provide food on the table for my family. I had applied for Food Stamps but was told that due to the fact of me being a full time student, I don’t qualify for any assistance. I would have to actually stop going to school (and submit proof of that!) or get pregnant and have a child.
So let me get this straight, in order for me to have food on my table, I would have to stop the one thing I’m doing to better myself and show proof of that or get pregnant and have a baby (which would also hinder my progress).
And then there’s the probation. I have fifteen years of probation and I have to pay them every month. No job, no pay, can’t pay probation.
Thank God I have a praying mother who loves me enough to cover my basic expenses. She provides my phone, my vehicle, and she pays for my probation every month.
I sometimes feel like all the chips are stacked against me for a purpose and I would like to say how I’m always up for a challenge and I’m ready and rearing to go.
That’s not what I do. I cry. I scream. I pray. I question my existence. I question my sanity.
But afterwards, I pick myself up, wipe my tears, go out and face the world like I wasn’t just in a heap in my closet thirty minutes ago.
In that respect, I realize that people don’t know me or my struggles. They don’t know the roads I’m taking to be a better individual. They don’t know that even though I am smiling on the outside, that I am struggling on the inside. But, I am making it. I elevate off of that; knowing that I won’t give up motivates me.
I know that everyone is struggling with something. If you are struggling, remember that you are not alone.
You never know what a person is going through so be kind to everyone you meet. Never judge. Many times there is something behind their “I am fine” smile.
It is not pretty….it is not easy….it is not what I wished for….but I can do it… I have Strength In My Soul....
Nijole Beth
Award Winning Author
* If you want to connect with Nijole Beth, pleas leave a message strengthofmysoul@gmail.com
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